hey Family,
I´m on today. I´m still feeling like i want to go home. So much has been on my mind this week... as usual. But i feel like my reasoning is a little different. I feel like i´m trying open my heart and listen to those promptings on what I should do. i´m trying to be more obedient and trying to listen to the spirit. The weird thing is... i still feel the same. I still feel like i want... i´m supposed to come home. It´s really odd, but i´m trying to have more faith and less fear in the things to come. I´m still constantly thinking and praying to know what is right.
Elder Adam Paulsen
Hey family,
This week has been... odd, but i can say that i´m feeling a little better. I´m still not great, I have a really hard time pulling myself out of bed, eating a lot, and being happy. This week has especially been hard on my sleep. The last two nights I can´t sleep very well, which is really weird for me. Usually when i lay down to sleep, i´m out until the alarm goes off, and even through the alarm sometimes. But this weeks i´ve been having a hard time sleeping. Getting to sleep, staying asleep, getting comfortable, it all just makes it even harder to be obedient. I usually wake up about 5 times a night.
Well, on a better note. Yesterday was Halloween. In Costa Rica, nothing happens on Halloween. It´s just another day of the week, but my comp and I felt like we needed to celebrate it. So we went to the candy store and bought a Kilo of candy for 3,000 Colones (6 bucks). We have so much candy and it´s nice to have some little snacks all day long.
I´m sure you´re all wondering how i´m feeling about my decision whether I´ll be coming home or not. Right now i´m feeling like I´ll be coming home. I´ve been thinking so much about an answer, and thought back to the temple. I realized that I had an answer. That I need to have faith in what i´ve been told and continue being obedient. I know it all sounds a little weird, that my answer is to come home, but i´ve prayed about it, and still felt the same. I´m sure that you might be thinking that it´s just me making me feel like that answer I want. But that´s not how i feel. I feel like that´s what i should be doing.
I talked to Cami this week. She was really really nice, and i opened up to here and listened for advise. It´s actually pretty cool what happened. We had just gotten back from lunch, we decided to walk back to the house really quick to finish some numbers for the month that we didn´t finish the night before. We weren´t planning on coming home, but 5 minutes after walking in the door, she called. I thought it was really odd, but somewhat inspired. So I listened to what she had to say and took all the advise she had to give. She said that Costa Rica is really hard, and she couldn´t even imagine how hard it would be being on a mission. That she had it hard enough that she got really depressed, and after 3 months, still doesn´t like it here. But it is getting better. That it doesn´t just click, that you slowed get accustomed to everything.
She also said that I did have a tough situation. That she didn´t know what to say concerning my decision. That what i need to do is pray, with a decision in my heart, asking if that´s what i´m supposed to do. Asking for a confirmation from the spirit that I´ve made the right decision. So that´s what i did, and i´m not going to say that i got some huge answer/confirmation. But i did feel a small... i dunno... feeling of... good. I felt okay. The only reason i´m not 100% positive of saying that I am coming home is because i´m afraid of it. I´m scared of what will happen, what people will think, how things are going to work out, that I am making all these feelings and promptings up in my head.
One thing that i´ve that´s stuck out to me this week is this: that ¨Fear and Faith cannot coexist¨. Two people, Mckell, and my comp, both told me this, and it´s been in my head a lot. I need to have faith in what i feel. Faith in my answers. I can´t fear, by having this fear, I´m making it harder on myself.
Everyone seems to say that I haven´t given this decision enough time... enough though. I don´t feel that way. #1- I´ve been thinking about this 90% of the day, everyday. #2- I´ve been deciding on this since September 27th. That´s a total of 35 days, about 900 hours, 6 weeks... however you want to look at it. I´ve visited with the Mission President 3 or 4 times. I´ve talked to him about 15 times. I´ve talked to Mom and Dad on the phone twice, and John once. I think i´ve given it enough time/thought. I´m done waiting and putting all this stress on myself. It´s making me sick, physically. Just know that I have thought about EVERYTHING! About all the things i´ll be losing, all the regrets i might have, and all the opportunities and people i´ll be letting down. I know it all.
Well, I love you all so much. I haven´t gotten a phone call from Brayden´s Grandpa, but i´ll be looking forward to it. The changes meeting is on the 10th of November. They will probably be sending me home on the 11th if that´s what happens. I´m sure you´ll find out more this week whether it be through my President or what. I love you all.
Elder Adam Paulsen
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