So here´s what´s new. I had interviews (as a zone) with president Gálvez. He offered me something really... odd. He offered me a secretary position. That would mean that i´d be in the office most of the day doing paperwork and talking on phones. I don´t know exactly if i want to do it or not. I told him i would, but 5 minutes afterwards i had a really bad feeling about it. I don´t know exactly. Being a secretary would mean that i´d be around president all day, i´d drive a car around, i´d eat fast food a lot more, and i´d live in a really sweet house. The thing is, that´s not really important to me. Yeah, it´d make things cushier, but i´d still be hating life, and after 6 months or so in the office, i´d have to go back out to the field. I just want to go home, but i kinda feel like everyone would feel differently if i did. That i´m not as good or that i´m a bad person if i do. Nobody but missionaries understand really how i feel so it just makes it hard.
I probably spend 5 hours a day thinking about why i want to go home, or what reason i have, but i can´t really think of an exact answer. I think it´s just that 2 years is a lot of time, I don´t want to give that up. Just imagine stopping your life for the next two years, and you are stuck in... jail or something. It´s just so hard.
So today i´m thinking i´ll be telling president that i´m not going to take the secretary position and i still want to come home. We´ll just see how i feel next week though.
My Dear Family,
So this week has been extremely tough. More than usual actually. I´ve been trying to work hard, trying to forget myself, trying to be the missionary that God would want for me. I tried hard, Elder Squires and I walked everywhere because we´re running out of money (It´s the end of the month). We tried making appointments with every one of our investigators, we visited all the people we could think of, and probably had the least successful week a missionary could have. We had a total of maybe 5 lessons, that were mostly with recent converts that are completely active, and the lessons with the investigators were mostly just check-ups. Every appointment we made fell through, seriously every appointment. It was really depressing, and it seemed to follow me too. I went on divisions with leader of the Zone and we only had one lesson out of the 5 or 6 that were planned.
That´s all fine though, I´m done with it, and somewhat getting used to it. What´s been tough is that President threw a curveball at me on Friday. We had a meeting as a whole Zone and Presidenté Gálvez was there. We had individual interviews and the Zone Leaders gave a lesson or two about the work. Well, in my interview, President offered me a new position. He offered me to work in the office as a secretary. I´m not sure exactly what i´d be doing, only that i´d get to drive a car, be in the office all day doing paperwork and talking to people on the phone. I told him that i´d give it a try, but 5 minutes after saying that i felt horrible. I felt sick to my stomach and really upset. I spent the next 2 or 3 hours of the meeting thinking about it, praying about it, and considereing how it would change my mission. ´Maybe that if i´m struggling with the whole proselyting thing, teaching people, that if i take a break, i´ll feel better about it. But i realized that i´m having a problem with other things. It´s that i don´t want to give up my time. That my time here has been the most depressed, worst time in my life. I don´t want to feel this anymore and I´m ready to come home. I said that i´d try the office because it had a lot of ´´perks´´. i would get to drive, i´d have a cell phone, i´d use a computer all day, get to listen to music, not be outside walking all the time, and i get to eat a lot more fast food.
Anyways, I don´t think i´m going to be doing the office thing. I need to tell Presidenté that i still want to come home. That means that i´ll probably be coming home on the 11th of November. I´ll probalby have a more concrete answer next week. Love you all so much. Know that I do have a testimony of this church and I love the church. I know the book of Mormon is true and that Joseph Smith is one of the most amazing prophets ever to have lived. (Just behind Jesus Christ) I love you all so much. Until next week.
Elder Adam Paulsen
P.S. Today we made a cake, it was pretty fun and tasted great!
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